Colbert on Gohmert’s claim that gay soldiers give each other too many massages

GOP Cong. Louie Gohmert is concerned that since the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” too many gay troops are giving each other back rubs.

And while that might have worked for the Greeks, Gohmert says, massages are no way to fight ISIS and Al Qaeda.

Seriously, he actually said this.

Stephen Colbert, God bless him, has weighed in with the ultimate response.

CyberDisobedience on Substack | @aravosis | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn. John Aravosis is the Executive Editor of AMERICAblog, which he founded in 2004. He has a joint law degree (JD) and masters in Foreign Service from Georgetown; and has worked in the US Senate, World Bank, Children's Defense Fund, the United Nations Development Programme, and as a stringer for the Economist. He is a frequent TV pundit, having appeared on the O'Reilly Factor, Hardball, World News Tonight, Nightline, AM Joy & Reliable Sources, among others. John lives in Washington, DC. .

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27 Responses to “Colbert on Gohmert’s claim that gay soldiers give each other too many massages”

  1. johnbales says:

    Gohmert’s comment…I listened to it and it has to be one of the most ill-informed, illogical, bigoted pile of BS that’s come out of a Representative’s mouth in a while. It actually makes him look terribly ignorant and silly. But then, he keeps getting reelected by the base down in Texas so they must be just as silly and ignorant as he is to vote this idiot back into office.

  2. 1jetpackangel says:

    I wondered who in Texas would actually vote for this guy, and then I remembered that my (sane, I promise) best friend lives there, and she tells me her mom concealed-carries because she’s terrified that OBAMA HIMSELF is going to come after her and rape her in broad daylight.

  3. Butch1 says:

    That is interesting; it’s amazing how they can interact with each other and not break out into a civil war. ;-)

  4. Badgerite says:

    Colbert. There is no substitute.

  5. Mike_in_the_Tundra says:

    Living, in Minnesota, I have had to deal with the idea that there were people who repeatedly voted for Michele Bachman. The voters in my district repeatedly vote for Keith Ellison who is probably the most liberal member of congress. Those two districts are not that far apart, geographically speaking.

  6. Butch1 says:

    Perhaps a few lead weights on his legs whilst swimming in the pool; it builds the muscles. ;-)

    (I wonder if he would fall for that one?!)

  7. Butch1 says:


    What worries me more are his constituents. If there are voters out in his district who actually believe his BS, it is truly scary to think they can vote. It is always Gohmert and those just like him who are the noisiest in the Congress and the ones who can cause the most damage, but give him enough time at the microphone and he becomes the court jester and laughing stock of the Congress. Too bad he doesn’t get it.

  8. Mike_in_the_Tundra says:

    The voices in his head told him.

  9. Naja pallida says:

    Arnold would outsmart the lot of them. The pastor of Green Acres is David “Why can’t America have a kill-the-gays law like Uganda?” Dykes.

  10. Butch1 says:

    Gohmert knows this, how?

  11. jomicur says:

    Colbert, as always, is hilarious. But making fun of a clod like Gohmert strikes me as redundant. The best comedian who ever lived couldn’t possibly be as funny as the man himself. For instance, on his official House biography, Louie boasts that he and his family attend the “Green Acres Baptist Church.” (No word on whether Arnold Ziffel is the pastor.) What comedian could invent anything so perfect?

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  13. The_Fixer says:

    Yes, Walker has enough cells to be a functioning sociopath while Gomer hasn’t enough to make the crucial distinction between stupid bullshit and reality.

    This is from having observed Walker on my TV here in Wisconsin. The dead eyes are the giveaway.

  14. Hue-Man says:

    The typical human brain consumes 20% of the body’s oxygen supply, despite representing 2% of body mass. Since Louie’s brain is inactive, that 20% oxygen supply is redirected elsewhere so he doesn’t have to breathe very often at all.

  15. BeccaM says:

    Walker has enough neurons to be consciously evil. For Gohmert, it’s pure instinct. ;-)

  16. 2patricius2 says:


  17. Naja pallida says:

    Yes. TX 1st didn’t go Republican until the election of 2004, where the electorate, not the candidates, literally flipped sides.

  18. DRoseDARs says:

    When he stops talking out his ass, it creates an internal vacuum that draws in fresh air to his upper respiratory system. Once his lungs have filled, he can proceed again to fart word-like noises through his lower respiratory system.

  19. Drew2u says:

    Are you taking in account the Southern Strategy Dixiecrat flip of the D and R party? Certainly the current Republican party has always been represented by the most conservative of the U.S. populace no matter the history of the party representation?

  20. Drew2u says:

    Wait, I’m confused. What do the Texas GOPers have to do with Scott Walker of Wisconsin?


  21. nicho says:

    I love how conservatives unconsciously reveal their own masturbatory fantasies while talking about gays. Most of them are fixated on dreams of butt sex. Apparently, Gohmert will settle for a massage — probably with a happy ending.

  22. Indigo says:

    “seaweed-wrap lifestyle?” I wish !

  23. BeccaM says:

    Maybe that’s why the Texas GOPers collectively decided, “Okay, who is the stupidest, most bag-of-hammers ignorant motherfucker we have that we can nominate for this district? Let’s scrape the absolute bottom of the barrel. We just want someone who not only won’t think for himself, but who literally can’t because he lacks a functioning frontal lobe. OD’d on paint thinner huffing as a kid, self-inflicted nose-picking lobotomy, doesn’t matter, just put him on the goddamned ballot.”

  24. BeccaM says:

    The part near the end that includes the bit about “the IQ of a butter dish” has me laughing so hard, tears are right now running down my face.

    Seriously: How DOES Gohmert remember to breathe?

  25. The_Fixer says:

    That was so good I had to watch it twice. “Confused piece of gnocci.” Ha!

  26. Naja pallida says:

    And being an idiot and a racist are his best qualities.

    The saddest part, his district has been solidly Democratic since the Civil War. Right up until Tom Delay’s gerrymandering machine made it completely impossible for a Republican to lose there. Even one of the most laughably bad Republican representatives in history is completely safe in that seat for as long as he wants it. The first time they redistricted, they made it impossible for a Democrat to even get to 40% of the vote. After the second time, 30% is not even possible.

  27. Drew2u says:

    The part about massages makes Gohmert an idiot. The part about “Moo-goo-gai-cat or Moo-goo-gai-dog” makes him racist.
    I’m going to miss Colbert when he goes to network tv.

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